"Betcha thought I was dead, eh? Not quite, though I came pretty close.
Here's what happened to me...
First, a quick heartfelt THANK YOU for being part of my crazy life and for letting me be a part of your crazy music. Super hugs to all who reached out personally to make sure I was alive.
If you're short on attention span, don't have time to make popcorn, or just don't give a crap - here's the TL;DR version...
1. Minutes after I sent you my last email, my life as I knew it was suddenly destroyed by my ex-wife.
2. I shut down emotionally, physically, and creatively. Pulled all my sites down and took a job with the family biz working as a Private Investigator (WEIRD_WILD_STUFF!)
3. Found out the real reason behind why she left us and realized how much better off we really are without her.
4. Started to come back to life, got a new home, feeling human again. Creative juices slowly begin flowing.
5. Turned my car into a studio on wheels.
6. Putting the new NAA catalog up this week.
7. I'm alive, happy, and psyched to be back in the saddle.
And for the more adventurous, here's the full lowdown on my breakdown…
On the very day you received my last email back in early summer, I was sitting in Starbucks drinking a cup of coffee and feeling pretty darn good. My phone rings — it's my wife. I step outside to answer the phone…
"Hey! What's up?"
— "I want a divorce. I've made up my mind. It's over."
I thought she was messing with me. She wasn't.
To say I was shocked would be the understatement of the century. I had no idea why she was even feeling this way, or what to do or say or think about it. What I did know was that she sounded VERY sure of this decision, and wasn't willing to discuss it further.
After some futile pleading for her to at least stay on the phone and talk, I listened to her hang up, and just stood there in the middle of the parking lot - shaking, feeling my life unravel as her words looped over and over in my head.
What followed was the most agonizingly painful months of my entire life. Too much to relive here — but I was strung along, lied to, manipulated — and made to believe it was all entirely my fault. And I actually bought it, deciding I would do anything necessary to keep my family together. Remember, I have two small children who are the world to me, and every minute without them is hell — I miss them right now and they are asleep just down the hall!
Not knowing exactly what changes I needed to make to fix the situation, I just changed EVERYTHING. And it started right there in the parking lot. Before I even had time to put my phone away, it rang again. This time, it was my sister's husband… (Don't worry, it's not what you think…)
"Hello?"
"Hey T, got a minute?"
"Uh..OK"
"I have an openeing for a Private Investigator position here in the office and I wanted to know if you were interested."
(My brother-in-law's family owns a company that does high-end P.I. work and all kinds of other investigative services, and I've been making him annoyingly aware for years that being a private eye has been on my bucket list since I was a kid.)
I know myself very well, and I know that the creative side of my brain just shuts down under stress. At that moment, I was drifting out to sea, directly into the eye of a Category 5 Stress Tornado. So I just said "Yes. I'll take the job. Thank you!" I had just had my life ripped apart over the phone — I needed something that felt it was at least my decision. This was it.
And the following Monday, I found myself working as a private eye! Hiding out in my car with binoculars in the roughest neighborhoods of New York City, following business tycoons on the subway, disguising myself as a pizza delivery guy to get a close pic of someone with a hidden camera when they answer the door (I got some pretty sweet gadgets), walking around the ghetto in hospital scrubs to make myself as "unrobbable" as possible, making fake Facebook profiles to catch people doing all kinds of scandalous crap, even found myself in the woods on a hunting trail upstate with rifles firing from the trees around me one afternoon — all kinds of crazy stuff! The stories that I have piled up from just the past summer are INSANE, and I'm sure I'll share some of the highlights with you at some point. I've been chased, followed, almost killed, nearly swept out to sea in a flood, you name it. What a trip, and what a blessing!
It kept my mind occupied, my interest piqued, my wallet full, and my brain from turning to total mush during the torture of my family being pulled apart. All the while, I was in therapy and doing anything I could think of to get my family back together, still blaming myself for every minute of it.
And then, 3 months into the nightmare, I begin to discover the real reason behind it all. Turns out, I'm a natural private eye and I got pretty damn good, pretty damn quickly — and I unearthed a mountain of bad news. In the name of not shaming the mother of my children, let's just say that her leaving turned out to be the best thing possible for us all. If I met her today, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't even give her my phone number, let alone marry her. But I wouldn't have my kids without her, and I wouldn't change that part for the world.
After seeing that light, everything started slowly getting better. I began to find some peace, found a new home for me and the kids, and by October or so, even started thinking about music again — I had immediately shut down all of my websites, ad campaigns, etc. back when the stuff hit the fan. I even gone so far as to take a scissor to the power supply on my computer just so I wouldn't be able to use it. I needed to really keep my mind clear. I care SO intensely about my work, but I was running so low on spare emotion that I needed to save all my love and energy for just holding it together and working through the tragedy.
While I definitely wasn't able to create anything, or even have any decent ideas, I did start to at least feel the tingle of music again.
Then one day in November after a surveillance assignment in Manhattan, I stopped by one of my favorite old synth shops. Armen's has piles (literally) of synths, samplers, drum machines, etc. from floor to ceiling. I spent a couple hours in there just digging around, touching things, and being annoying.
And then, out of the blue on the gridlocked drive home, I had an idea — My first actual idea in months! I felt a major internal shift take place. My creative brain rebooted and was coming back online. I was alive!
The next day, I went shopping, and transformed the trunk of my new surveillance vehicle into a mobile sampling studio. It's pretty badass, if I do say so myself. And since that day, I've been steadily chipping away at that idea to bring it to life for you. More on that in due time.
Once I felt comfortable even checking my email again, I found a few hundred messages from people looking to buy this product or that, and from lots of customers reaching out to see if I was at least still breathing. I appreciated it and it felt awful holding back, but I just wasn't ready.
Now I'm ready. Life's too short to hold back, and I'm happy to be alive.
I know my emails usually carried some kind of message, lesson, or entertaining analogy - but I don't have one for this. It was hell, and I wasn't sure I'd make it out alive. After having been through it, I honestly wouldn't change any of it though. Even though it was painful, it let me see the truth. I'd rather have the truth, no matter how much it hurts. The kids and I are happy, healthy, and loving our new life. I'm a different person from this, that's for sure. They are different people. We are all stronger. A bit sore still, but stronger nonetheless. And we will be ok. This was a blessing, and as long as you're alive, it could ALWAYS be worse.
I'll write you again tomorrow (it will be much shorter, I promise) to fill you on where things are at, where I'm headed, and give you a peek at the new NAA catalog. For now, I just wanted to say hello...
Excited to be back. Hope you're still with me.
Talk soon,
Theo"
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